Stuff

I have slightly gotten over my CMH visit, but still am fuming a bit about it. I am seeing my Midwife today so hoping to talk to her about what other services might be available for us. It will be good to see her as I will get to hear baby's heartbeat. I am 14 weeks now, so 2nd trimester which is really good. I also have to get a physio referal from her as my hips are getting worse, have started wearing stretchy bandage to help them.

In other events, we get the keys to our house on Friday which is really exciting. We have worked out pretty much which colours we are going to paint, and we are going to do some areas of magnetic paint on the kids walls too....

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why bother????

Some days I wonder why I even try to do things or try to get better. I have just had my 30 minute assessment at CMH, and they are going to contact Barnardos as that is a better place for me to be... because I didnt list my mood as my biggest stress/problem I obviously arent sick at all... Or maybe its just that to me I have gotten so used to the low mood that I dont actually think about it that often, its just there.

Anyway I have come back in a grump, am all weepy and confused.

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very scared

I have my appointment with CMH tomorrow, I am freaking out, I have had two bad experiences with them now so am feeling very wary of it all.

I am also scared of shifting, I shouldnt be but am freaking out about it, I havent started packing, I just dont even know where to start with it.. at least my clean washing pile is now all folded and put away, but thats not getting everything packed.

I am struggling with it all, part of me really wants to move, yet I am scared of the unknown, scared of making new neighbours etc.... just plain scared really.

Part of the shifting process has meant we have decided to get some new things.....

We bought new dinnersets today, we havent had a new one for ages and our plates and cups are looking terrible, so we decided to get a new one. Mitre 10 had a special on a nice plain white Maxwell and williams one, it was 2 sets for $79... so we bought two lots of two, so we can feed up to 16 people now, yay.

cmh.....

just rung cmh... they have sent me a letter and an appointment... wont be seen till the 25th... cant say I am very happy about it at all.... D

not much better today

still feeling pretty low. And I just cannot seem to get warm in anyway, I am totally frozen, I have merino tights, singlet and top on and am cold, the fire is going and I am cold.

I read an article in New scientist a while ago that mood was linked to whether we are feeling hot or cold and that feeling cold can lead to depression, was an interesting article.

I am still waiting to hear back from the mental health team... cos I am "safe" i think they will take a while to get back to me.. but its stupid really, my mood is very low I am struggling, but I would never commit suicide so I arent a big priority.

I am certain that I would never do it, I have certainly thought about it a lot, I know how I would do it etc. But I wont. My cousin killed himself when I was 16, I saw the impact that his death had on those who loved him, I saw the guilt associated, the questioning etc. So I know that I could never do that to my family.

damn this is a depressing read.... but its pretty much where I am at at the moment.
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life is good so why am i feeling so down

Ok, my life on paper looks pretty good yet I am not coping, I feel sad, lonely, anxious, stressed and scared. Ben challenged me this morning as to whether I was depressed, after some time thinking about it I came to the conclusion that he was right, I am displaying all my usual symptoms and some extras.

So about half an hour ago I rung the community mental health team and have asked for some help. Damn hard decision to make and I am still feeling pretty strange. But I needed to make it.

I have been spending money we dont have on stuff I dont need... (one of my stress indicators), I am sleeping more than I really need, I am constantly cold, my mood is low, I couldnt particularly care how I am looking and overall just feel crap.

Even writing this is proving to be painful, my life should be looking great and it is, but I just cannot get out of my own way to even enjoy it a little bit.

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discharge from Cmh team

they have decided in all their wisdom up here that I am well, and should be discharged from their services, citing waiting lists etc and that I am capable of coping etc.

Strangely this doesnt bother me too much as I feel like its just all been a waste of time up here using the service, In Oamaru I felt like I was making progress and that I was improving my life and my illness was getting managed a lot better. up here I feel frustrated, alone, and totally unsupported.

So instead I will use mum and ben as my counsellors and keep getting well on our own. I am still taking my meds which help, and have set alarms to remember each day to take them, sometimes in the rush of children this gets forgotten.

so sometime in the next few weeks I will become just a normal community member again, without maybe the stigma of being a mental health client, not that I have told many people that is what I have been, discussing that you wanted to die when you were pregnant and had 2 lovely wee children isnt considered to be normal.

but its what happened to me last year and without my parents and ben stepping in I would have been in a worse place, I wouldnt have actually done it because I have seen what suicide does to those left behind, but I certainly was very close to just walking away from my beautiful family.

I am very lucky that I have amazing parents who let me move in with them to help me get better, I had awesome midwives in Oamaru, a great pyschiatrist, and a cmh team that wanted to make me better, I had home help too which taught me how to look after my house and keep things ticking along here.

I am getting better, depression unfortunately is part of my life, I have suffered from it since I was 17, taking meds is probabley going to be longterm for me, and I need to look after my stress levels etc to cope with everyday life, but I am getting better and thats the good part of this process, life is looking good, and we are all living as a family again.

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