dark feelings snuck up on me

I have just burst into tears because N wanted yet another feed... stupid really... crying over a bloody feed..... I am sitting here surrounded by a huge muddle, the kids are stuck inside cos its been raining and I am loosing the plot in my head...

N is 18 months this week, so its 19 months since I stopped taking my meds (bar 2 weeks last year) but today I am wondering if I should go back on them, my mood is quite low, I am tired for no reason, and cant get out of my own way....


me thinks I better talk to Ben and look at going to see my GP and get sorted. I hate feeling like this, and I know that it will just get worse if I dont sort it out now.

love D

me...

I need a bit of help... I am flat and down, but am trying to keep moving, I need some ideas of something I could do for myself to help move forward.. I am trying to be positive and keep moving forward, taking my medication again is helping but I need to do a bit more than just that.

I am going to Auckland for a weekend just soon which I am really looking forward too... so I was thinking about what clothes to take, they need to be smart, but comfortable and feeding friendly, I have 2 sling orders to do then I can create something nice for me, I am a sponsor for the sling walk so want to wear something nice to that, but not ott.... will need to think about comfy shoes too... hmmm I know it all sounds shallow but its giving me something positive to think about and to do for me, I also want to have another sort out of my clothing.. I have far too much.

love D

rough patch

I have hit a low patch... I am pleased though that I saw it coming and have started taking my medication again, I had been off my anti depressants for 12 months which is the longest since I was 17 so I am really pleased about that, it shows that I can do ok with life. But things have been getting on top of me and my anxiety levels have been out of whack so I have started on my meds again. Its been 2 weeks now and they are slowly beginning to work which is good.

I am really pleased though that it wasn't Mum or Ben telling me I was low this time, I saw it coming and took action which was really good. I hate feeling like this and am hoping that once the meds kick in I will start feeling a lot better again, its so annoying I have so much in my life to be grateful for yet I feel like crap.... oh well maybe things will get better soon.

love D

Happy New year..... 2010 is here

I can remember seeing in the start of the millennium with two of my fave fellas listening to Dave Dobbyn playing in Hagley park with heaps of other cantabs. It was awesome, we were seeing in the new millennium and it was going to be huge....

Well its now 10 years in and in that time I graduated from University, completed a graduate diploma in teaching and learning, shifted from Christchurch to Palmerston North, we bought our first house and most importantly we became parents to four fabulous children that bring us huge amounts of happiness. I have also had two serious bouts of depression the second one meant that I lived with our children in Oamaru with my parents for a year, and have recovered from both to be a productive member of my family again. We have been politically active in the Labour party, I have held a position on New Zealand Council of the party and Ben has been a very active member of the environmental policy committee.

Ben has started and nearly completed his PhD. Its taken over 5 years so far and hes hoping to be finished in February. Its going to be a stressful 9 weeks or so as hes only able to do it in his spare time.

I don't really know what the next ten years will bring, but by this time in 2020 we will have two teenage girls, our youngest child will be 10. I will hopefully be working again in some capacity as something, but at the moment I aren't really sure what. Its all an adventure just waiting for us really.

But at the moment I am thinking of what I want to achieve in 2010, my first goal is to maintain my mental health, I am doing ok, and I want to stay this way, I also want to improve my physical health, I am many kg overweight and I plan to lose 10kg of that this year, its not a huge goal but will take me some time and dedication to do it. I want to be able to keep up better with the children too, so I am hoping to increase my fitness. I want to sew more clothes for the kids, and I want to continue breastfeeding N till she turns 1 at least.

Miss L will start school this year and O will start afternoon kindy too. I would like to get our living room wallpapered and maybe do up one of the children's rooms or the kitchen.

I aren't sure that I will be politically active, but then it depends on if a decent left wing candidate goes for the mayoralty, then I may do something, I still want to do triathlons, and want to be able to run a bit further than I currently am able.

Overall I am hoping that 2010 is a good year for my family and friends and that we all enjoy some success at whatever our goals are.

D

not feeling very happy

its Friday and I feel grumpy, the weather is gross which doesnt help, I feel cold and arent able to get warm and am just feeling really down today.

I am feeling a bit down about all sorts of things at the moment, the weather is getting to me, so is the housework, the kids, the husband etc... I dont even have much patience for my expanding belly today, I have been going to bed early but arent sleeping that well, between kids waking and my bladder needing emptying I dont get more than 3 hrs sleep in a row which isnt helping much either.

At the moment I just want to crawl into bed and have a wee snooze but thats not going to happen, O will have a sleep this afternoon, and L is pretty easy to entertain, shes learning how to play better on her own which is really good.

D

very scared

I have my appointment with CMH tomorrow, I am freaking out, I have had two bad experiences with them now so am feeling very wary of it all.

I am also scared of shifting, I shouldnt be but am freaking out about it, I havent started packing, I just dont even know where to start with it.. at least my clean washing pile is now all folded and put away, but thats not getting everything packed.

I am struggling with it all, part of me really wants to move, yet I am scared of the unknown, scared of making new neighbours etc.... just plain scared really.

Part of the shifting process has meant we have decided to get some new things.....

We bought new dinnersets today, we havent had a new one for ages and our plates and cups are looking terrible, so we decided to get a new one. Mitre 10 had a special on a nice plain white Maxwell and williams one, it was 2 sets for $79... so we bought two lots of two, so we can feed up to 16 people now, yay.

so its Saturday....

I got to stay in bed till 9am, pretty good for around here, the kids and Ben have gone to the market to get fruit and veges which is nice for them... I have surfed a little, kept the fire going and decided I will have a shower just dont want to have one in a freezing bathroom.... My mood is okish...

On other news the house we live in has sold, yay, so no more real estate agents coming through etc, it only took a week which is great for Mum and Dad, and for us, means we can get on to packing this weekend.

I have decided against doing the Landmark forum this month, I am not ready to do it, and am a bit too unstable to even try being away from my family for a weekend. Instead I will do it in August with Rebecca, which had been our original idea to do it together.

D

cmh.....

just rung cmh... they have sent me a letter and an appointment... wont be seen till the 25th... cant say I am very happy about it at all.... D

not much better today

still feeling pretty low. And I just cannot seem to get warm in anyway, I am totally frozen, I have merino tights, singlet and top on and am cold, the fire is going and I am cold.

I read an article in New scientist a while ago that mood was linked to whether we are feeling hot or cold and that feeling cold can lead to depression, was an interesting article.

I am still waiting to hear back from the mental health team... cos I am "safe" i think they will take a while to get back to me.. but its stupid really, my mood is very low I am struggling, but I would never commit suicide so I arent a big priority.

I am certain that I would never do it, I have certainly thought about it a lot, I know how I would do it etc. But I wont. My cousin killed himself when I was 16, I saw the impact that his death had on those who loved him, I saw the guilt associated, the questioning etc. So I know that I could never do that to my family.

damn this is a depressing read.... but its pretty much where I am at at the moment.
D

life is good so why am i feeling so down

Ok, my life on paper looks pretty good yet I am not coping, I feel sad, lonely, anxious, stressed and scared. Ben challenged me this morning as to whether I was depressed, after some time thinking about it I came to the conclusion that he was right, I am displaying all my usual symptoms and some extras.

So about half an hour ago I rung the community mental health team and have asked for some help. Damn hard decision to make and I am still feeling pretty strange. But I needed to make it.

I have been spending money we dont have on stuff I dont need... (one of my stress indicators), I am sleeping more than I really need, I am constantly cold, my mood is low, I couldnt particularly care how I am looking and overall just feel crap.

Even writing this is proving to be painful, my life should be looking great and it is, but I just cannot get out of my own way to even enjoy it a little bit.

D

feeling blah

So although I am excited about going away, I actually feel like crap, I have a chest infection on top of morning sickness which isn't great at all. I am feeling really nervous about getting a mortgage and its all feeling a bit much today.

I have been feeling a bit down lately anyway so its not surprising that I am not feeling great and that its all a bit much. I am going to get dressed and take the kids out for a while, might even go to the park for a change of scenery.

D

feeling really fragile today

I am not feeling great, I didnt sleep very well, the weather is changing all the time and I am just over the whole damn think. I am actually a bit worried about how low I have felt over the weekend, I am thinking I might ring a pregnancy support line or something to talk to someone about how I feel about the loss, and how I am coping/not coping with it.

I arent even wanting to eat very much but I am eating because I know I have to.... I think I will have a nice bath tonight and have some time to do me stuff.

I had managed to get my citalopram dose down to 20mg, but I am going to go back up to 40mg for the next while to get me through this patch.

why do I blog

I had this thought running around in my head lately, esp after a strange comment on my facebook page that was said in remark to what I thought was just a giggle between cousins.

I was pretty much accused of being "sad and having no life" because I blog etc. so I thought about this over night, didnt write any comment back on the facebook comment and decided that I would write down why I blog......

So here it is.... I blog because its healthy for me.... yes its healthy lol. I find it a really good way to get thoughts out of my head and to understand my thoughts in a somewhat clearer way.

I also do it because I enjoy it, I love reading the comments, I love feeling that maybe some of what I have written will connect with somebody else and make them smile or think about an issue differently. I enjoy it.

I also find it a good way to stop thoughts from over running my head, with having dealt with depression and anxiety I find this a good release that doesnt harm anybody that I live with, it enables me to get stuff sorted with out loading it onto those that I love, sometimes stupid little things will really annoy me so writing them down is better in some contexts than getting all pissy with Ben over it.

I do have a life, its very busy with three kids and a husband who I care and look after, so if blogging works as a release for me then bugger it I am going to be "sad" and enjoy blogging...

So yep I am a blogger and guess what i feel fine about it.

self help

I went to the library today, was really good, got some books on depression and how to overcome it, am hoping to read and find some other ways to cope with it. there were some interesting reference books on womens mental health too, which were good to look at, especially the stuff dealing with meds and lactation.

my first encounters with a psychiatrist were interesting he was of the belief that there were no actual benefits to breastfeeding. he and i didnt agree on this. I have found breastfeeding to be a good way to ensure that I have bonded with my babies, I think it would have been too easy to just leave them to ben if I had bottle fed them, by breastfeeding them I feel responsible and connected to them, even at 3 in the morning.

O is still breastfeed, hes nearly 11 months, so will soon be my longest go at doing this. I love feeding him though its really nice and makes life easier when you are out and about etc.

So am going to read some books to help myself understand a few things, and am looking to the future with my beautiful family and hubby.

I got a lovely parcel of books in the post today too, one is an autobiography by Lauren roche, its quite interesting so far, so thanks GG for sending them.

D

feeling creative

I have been sewing... yay, I love the feeling of creating something for the kids or I to wear. I bought some fabric yesterday at spotlight and arthur toyes and some patterns.

Today I cut some out, bike pants for the girls, and a skirt for me, I also have a dress on the go and another skirt I want to make.

I have been using the clothes swap, and reading some of the members blogs, some of their craft work is awesome which inspired me to get moving again and do some sewing. but my sewing machine died this afternoon, not a huge electrical death or anything, it jammed when I was trying to sew some elastic into a skirt, so its off being fixed, thankfully we never got rid of our old one so its back out for use tomorrow.

I find when my mood is down that my creativity escapes, thankfully at the moment, I am in a good frame of mind so sewing is working :).

A friend is going to lend me denise lestrange corbetts biography to read, will be cool to see how her depression interacts with her creativity.

anyway sitting here typing isnt getting anything productive done, I need to sleep too cos the wee fella is sick and between the three kids we were woken 5 times last night.

ahh the joys of parenting, but its worth it when they smile.

discharge from Cmh team

they have decided in all their wisdom up here that I am well, and should be discharged from their services, citing waiting lists etc and that I am capable of coping etc.

Strangely this doesnt bother me too much as I feel like its just all been a waste of time up here using the service, In Oamaru I felt like I was making progress and that I was improving my life and my illness was getting managed a lot better. up here I feel frustrated, alone, and totally unsupported.

So instead I will use mum and ben as my counsellors and keep getting well on our own. I am still taking my meds which help, and have set alarms to remember each day to take them, sometimes in the rush of children this gets forgotten.

so sometime in the next few weeks I will become just a normal community member again, without maybe the stigma of being a mental health client, not that I have told many people that is what I have been, discussing that you wanted to die when you were pregnant and had 2 lovely wee children isnt considered to be normal.

but its what happened to me last year and without my parents and ben stepping in I would have been in a worse place, I wouldnt have actually done it because I have seen what suicide does to those left behind, but I certainly was very close to just walking away from my beautiful family.

I am very lucky that I have amazing parents who let me move in with them to help me get better, I had awesome midwives in Oamaru, a great pyschiatrist, and a cmh team that wanted to make me better, I had home help too which taught me how to look after my house and keep things ticking along here.

I am getting better, depression unfortunately is part of my life, I have suffered from it since I was 17, taking meds is probabley going to be longterm for me, and I need to look after my stress levels etc to cope with everyday life, but I am getting better and thats the good part of this process, life is looking good, and we are all living as a family again.

D

day two....

well its 10 am, and I have made school lunch and taken miss 5 to school, gotten bubs fed and dressed, settled miss nearly 3 in front of a dvd, and done my hair lol.

I actually dont feel like I have achieved anything yet, but when its written down it looks so much better. Next week it will become more complicated as miss nearly 3 will start afternoon kindy, I am a bit sad about it really as it means shes starting her education.... she currently asking for cheese so had better feed her.

I am battling a slightly darker mood at the moment, I am struggling to get basic housework done and am sinking under a pile of clean washing that needs folded..... I hate this time of year, it always gets me down, whats not helping is that the promised support from the community mental health team has not happened.....

When everything went to custard last year we tried to get help for me, it was an uphill battle that ended up with me shifting with the two girls to my parents. Down in rural Otago I was able to get psychiatric help, two fab midwives, home help and numerous other support systems were in place. Before moving back up here we were given the understanding that i would have the same support up here....... yeah right.

I arent sick enough.

having depression, generalised anxiety, 3 kids, no family support etc is not enough to get me any help other than fornightly counselling.

why is there this discrepency in care between rural Nz and a city? makes me wonder, maybe i should have just stayed down there with mum and dad, but then that wouldnt have helped my marriage or my parents.

tbc....