Absentee blogger

Hi all, I have got my parents here at the moment so barely get to come and blog. Its been a year now since we had our pregnancy loss... and heaps has happened since then, the week of the year anniversary was really hard, I found myself thinking about it all a lot, I am ok with it but it was hard.

I also realise that it was meant to be, and that N was to be our 4th child, shes absolutely awesome, shes three months this week and is a huge delight to us all.

We have been busy doing kids triathlons, the two big girls are doing really well and have had their photos in the local papers 3 times because of it. I managed to do a small triathlon on Valentines day which was a huge thing for me, I haven't done a tri since early last year because of pregnancy etc so it was neat to achieve something like that again.

Its great having Mum and Dad up for a while, they were here for a week, then did car rallies then came back to us for this week, the kids think its great and they are loving having the summer car here too.

so thats pretty much all thats going on at the moment, I will try to become a more regular writer again soon.

D

due dates

Sometime lately it would have been my due date for the ectopic pregnancy that I had in February, it was kind of strange thinking about it, possibly because I hadn't know I was pregnant there was no emotional attachment to a possible due date.

Not like at the moment where I am counting down the days to my due date and beginning to think about getting ready for bubs arrival, things like packing our hospital bag, putting the clothes in the drawers, bringing the cradle inside.

September would have been the month for doing this if the ectopic pregnancy had occurred in the right place, I have wondered a bit about it, would the pregnancy have been easy, would the smaller gap been ok, all sorts of thoughts really about what might have been if the circumstances had been different,

Instead I am thinking about things for this wee bubba who is due in around 8 weeks, wondering if its a boy or girl, hoping that my hips don't get too much worse, thinking about names, birth plans, breastfeeding etc.

I am also thinking about the fact that this is the last pregnancy that I will carry, I am 32 now, I don't want to be having anymore children, and 34/35 yrs of age had always been my cut off point.

I will miss the growing bump of pregnancy, the first kicks, the tummy rolls from movement, the excitement of a new child but I also know that my body isn't up to another go at this, we will outgrow our wee house if we had more, and probably outgrow our income too.... yep this is it, four is enough.

I wonder how my Grandma coped having 8 children, it must have been hard and she didn't have things like microwaves, automatic washing machines etc. I also wonder how her body coped, she was 40 when she had her last child, so she spent over 16 years of her life being pregnant or breastfeeding which must have taken its toll..... my midwife tells me that bubs has lots of room because everything is stretched from the previous babies and that's a factor in it being a good size, I wonder how Grandmas was by the time she was having number 8.

Anyway, this baby I carry is making me very sore tonight, it seems to have changed where its laying so its off to bed for me.

D

the joys of pregnancy... NOT

because I am less mobile than normal I have to wear white knee high compression tights... these are the most unattractive things I have ever worn... they are to help with stopping blood clots forming in my legs which is fine, but how am I going to survive wearing them in November when its too warm to wear boots and trousers that cover them?

I also am getting varicose veins this time, had managed to avoid them with the first three. And the stretch marks lol... well they aren't actually happening at all... ironically K did such a good job of stretching my skin that I haven't got any new ones yet.

There's also the continuous indigestion that I suffer, liquid mylanta is my friend, and the cravings for things at random times, last night it was cupcakes and ice cream, neither of which I had in the house, I am also finding that I like spicy food too....

Pregnancy is a rather strange thing, its a totally parasitic relationship that wreaks havoc on your body and mind, yet its still one of the most amazing things I have ever done, you spend 9 months watching your tummy grow, waiting for milestones to be reached, feeling the first kicks,or watching your tummy move cos bubs has hiccups. I am so lucky that I have had 4 awesome pregnancies to enjoy, I sometimes wonder about the one I lost but its hard to feel hugely for it in some ways because I didn't know about it, and it could never have survived.

As I type I am getting kicked in my ribs, and I sit and wonder what this baby will be like, will it have brown eyes like its siblings and Dad or will I manage to get one with blue eyes? is it a boy or a girl? will it grow up to change the world? so many hopes and aspirations of mine yet actually all I hope for is that it is a loved and cared for part of our family.

over it

sorry for not posting for a few days, I have been feeling really yucky, first we thought it was a uti, then maybe its my SPD playing up, who knows... I spent 4 hrs at the hospital last night being poked and tested but all we can find is elevated white blood cell count.... its all very difficult and I am finding that I just am sick of having a sore tummy, sore back and feeling very tired.

I am now 24 or 25 weeks so hopefully this baby will be born in around 15 or so weeks. We are having a couple of issues as to due date, but have decided that we will go with the 24th which was O's due date too.... My midwife isn't too worried about dates though unless I go over due which is a possibility but one that we are not too bothered about. She has suggested that I start taking evening primrose oil from 36 wks which helps with getting things ready for birth. With being at hospital for so long yesterday it was good as I was able to talk to her about bits and pieces, like if this baby is breech that I want to try a vaginal delivery first, I don't want a c section unless absolutely necessary.

The two Ob/gyn that I saw last night were two who did my ectopic pregnancy emergency which was good as they already knew what had happened... they were pleased that I was pregnant again and impressed at how quickly considering I lost part of a tube.

Anyway enough rambling about this all. d

firstly the good news

If any of you are my facebook friends you may have already guessed whats going on for us at the moment.

I am pregnant, a bit of a surprise and all, I went through all the blood tests, and had a scan last week to check that everything is where it should be, I am around 6-7 weeks and due in November.

I have got a lovely midwife to look after us, and now have got used to the idea. I wasn't totally happy at first because it was totally unexpected but now I am used to the idea and even beginning to think that it will all turn out ok. I am quite nauseous and have thrown up a bit today which isn't fun but that was because I had a tooth out today and the chemicals etc have made me feel really gross.

We have also put an offer in on a house which is exciting too, so things feel like they are moving up in a good way. D

pregnancy

A person I went to school with has announced her pregnancy on facebook and added scan pics.... I am struggling hugely with this. My sisters best friend has also told us shes pregnant, and due around when I would have been.

I am struggling with it all, I don't know quite how to face it. I am happy for them, but I am unhappy, sad that it isnt me, sad that I am grieving still, sad that I am jealous of others happiness.

Unhappy, sad, miserable, jealous, lost for words.... I just wish it had been me.

its a month on the 5th and I am still struggling with it at all, I am getting better, its just small things like scan pics that throw me a bit.

I want to be happy for them, and I am happy that they will get to experience parenting and having children etc, and all the joy etc that goes with that.

response from Midcentral DHB

I received this today via email. The DHB customer person has contacted me and forwarded my complaint to the relevant person.

It will be interesting to see what happens next about it.


Dear Demelza

MidCentral District Health Board welcomes feedback and thanks you for
contacting us regarding the concerns you have about the lack of
sensitivity and lack of information you experienced following your
recent surgery.

Your comments have been forwarded to Mr Nicholas Glubb, Group Manager,
Women's Health Services. He will be responsible to have your complaint
investigated. You will receive a written response to your complaint
once the investigation is complete.

Should you be dissatisfied with the outcome, or have any other issues
you wish to discuss, please contact the Customer Relations office.

Yours sincerely etc....

So lets just wait and see.... they did respond within the 5 day time limit too which I am impressed with.

D

feeling really fragile today

I am not feeling great, I didnt sleep very well, the weather is changing all the time and I am just over the whole damn think. I am actually a bit worried about how low I have felt over the weekend, I am thinking I might ring a pregnancy support line or something to talk to someone about how I feel about the loss, and how I am coping/not coping with it.

I arent even wanting to eat very much but I am eating because I know I have to.... I think I will have a nice bath tonight and have some time to do me stuff.

I had managed to get my citalopram dose down to 20mg, but I am going to go back up to 40mg for the next while to get me through this patch.

remembering loss

I said earlier that I wanted to get something that I could wear to commemorate the loss we had. I found something the other day, I have a gold chain that I always wear so I thought I would see if I could find something to wear on it.

I found a wee gold disc, with two sets of footprints on it, the other side says "when you saw only one set of footprints it was then that i carried you". Its from a poem called footprints and it is in relation to God carrying us when we need help. To me though it also signifies the carrying of a child so I thought it worked for what I wanted. I also got a wee gold heart to wear that is red enamel on one side. I will not always wear them but for now it helps with the healing process that I am going through.

Yesterday was really tough in the morning, I just felt isolated and lost, we went to friends in the late afternoon which cheered me up, and doing the tri this morning was great as I got the physical energy release that I needed.

Each day is a little easier but I am aware that I can have bad days but they aren't happening quite as often.

D

I did it... made a complaint to the DHB

I have just sent off an email to the Midcentral DHB customer services person about the care I recieved after our loss.

I was unhappy about being placed in a room with pregnant women etc so I decided to make a complaint about it. And I feel so much better now that I have done that.

I also stated that I was unhappy with the waiting time I spent at the Womens health Unit waiting for blood test results.

I did say that I found the care I recieved in A&E was brilliant and that Dr Hansen and her team were awesome. I found Dr Hansen was easy to talk to and she was direct about how she saw things. I actually got information from her that helped me.

Part of my compalint was also that I was not given any information about ectopic pregnancy, the procedures that I had had or about where I could get support/counselling if I needed it.

Overall I am glad I made the complaint even if it changes things for just one women in my situation I will be happy. It also has given me the chance to get some closure on this.

D

fed up...................

I cannot explain it but I am so fed up with everything today. It's just little things hack me off and i just want to scream and yell. thought I do not because that's not something that I do very often.

I am getting annoyed with house hunting, I am feeling like its all my job to do and that is frustrating me a lot. I am also frustrated with the $$$ aspects of it all. The mortgage broker is helpful though, so sometime this weekend we should know where we are at borrowing wise.

I am also frustrated about loss stuff.... I am not coping very well with it today which is not nice, I just feel sad that we have gone through this. I am unhappy that I feel like I am getting better about it and then I feel like I regress back to where I was a couple of weeks ago. I am just sad about it all.

So I am feeling a bit Blah today, and just cant be bothered at all. D

Been to hospital....

will write more on this later today, but am feeling quite sad at the moment, I didn't realise that when they took part of the right fallopian tube that it meant that I now will not be able to conceive off that side. .... will continue this later D

Ok so I feel like continuing this... well not really, I am feeling quite down about it all tonight, I was fine at the hospital I didn't have to deal with the Dr I didn't like I had a lovely Dr and then the surgeon too, they both explained things really well and I didn't feel at all like I was being silly about questions that I had.

I do feel sad though that I have lost enough of my right tube to make conception pretty much impossible off the right side. Sad doesn't really explain how I feel, nothing does, I feel empty about it, and confused.

the Surgeon (Dr Hansen) was awesome she explained that she sees ectopic pregnancies as not being a "pregnancy" as such but more a life threatening situation. It was difficult in some ways but then she told me more about what I had happen and I can see that it wasn't a baby, it was "products of conception". In my case there was a large mass of placental tissue etc and it had ruptured the tube and was attached to my abdomen wall.

I am processing it all slowly, will have to do some more reading about partial fallopian tube loss and fertility. Dr Hansen did say though that we can try again after I get a period, but that I am to note when we do it, and to see GP as soon as I know I am pregnant, I am then to have frequent HCG bloods done and two or three early scans to see that everything is ok. She said the risk of having an ectopic again is around 15% but that since I have had three normal pregnancies she thought it probably wouldn't happen.

So a mixed bag really... dunno what to think or say or feel, maybe sleep is the answer tonight. D

3 weeks since loss

so its three weeks today since i was sitting on this couch in immense pain wondering what the hell was going on.... 3 weeks... not that long really, am still lost for words at times about it all. I have a hospital appointment for this afternoon with the specialist, am really nervous about it, I have questions about the embryo.. like how far along was I etc, and what are my chances of it happening again etc, would love more info really still feeling like I dont know very much about what happened etc.

L is still very clingy but thankfully has gone out with her godparents for the day which is nice for me. They will take her to kindy and pick her up afterwards which is great as my appointment is for 2:30.

Mum is in hospital in Dunedin which is worrying me too. She had the wires taken out from her surgery when K was tiny, but her warfarin levels arent balanced so she is bleeding and is having problems with pain and eating. I hate being so far away at times like this, I know shes ok but its hard.

D

the loss.... 2 weeks later

I am physically pretty much back to normal. Mentally I take each day as it comes. Our Vicar came to visit today and it was great, we talked about the choice we had to make and why it had to be made, which really helped, she also told me that she too had lost a pregnancy which made it easier to talk to her as she understood the guilt, and other feelings that are associated with the loss of a possibly child.

It was exactly what I needed today, it was pouring with rain all day and talking to her about the loss and how I was being careful to monitor my mood with winter coming, and the weather today and my history was really good.

She told me that I will be able to come to a place where I will be able to acknowledge that this wasnt meant to be, but also that its still early on in the process and not to expect too much too soon about it.

I also saw a friend today who simply said I dont know what to say.... that was so much easier than a saying things she didnt really mean, she said she was sorry too, but that she doesnt understand, and i am ok with that, because i wouldnt wish this on any woman.

Its not a nice thing to have happen, its not nice to feel like you are inadequate because the embryo wasnt in the right place,..... for a while i felt like I had failed... oh look u couldnt even get pregnant properly.... totally irrational, I have three children. but it was how I felt.

so the healing and grieveing continues, the uneasiness of it all moves with me, but at least i am coping most days, the tears are still there but not shed all the time.

beta hcg levels nearly nil

my poor children have been subjected to a morning of near boredom due to me having to get my beta hcg levels tested and having to then wait over and hour at the womens health unit to be told the level.

My beta hcg level today is 19, so small that a home pregnancy test wouldnt pick it up and that realistically i wouldnt be counted as pregnant now.... so yeah up till the last few days i still had enough to be classed as pregnant, isnt that scary......

I had one of the Drs that I had while in hospital and her bedside manner needs much improvement, shes just shockingly unfriendly, and bordering on rude. lets just say i hope i never see her again. So next week i get a final blood test and see the surgeon who did it, and hopefully thats the end of the medical side of the ectopic pregnancy.

the mental side is taking a bit longer to get over, I am feeling better though, and after talking to a friend online last night I realised that i am doing ok, not 100% brilliant but I am still doing what i need to do to be happy. That is a good thing.

so its 2 weeks tomorrow, its still all there etc, but i am looking to our future and its looking pretty good.

first day parenting solo again

now that title seems a bit strange, what I really mean is that today is the first day since the 5th of Feb that I have been solely in charge of the childrens day. I did the school and kindy drop off and pick up etc, I did everything I normally do, but it was strange.

I felt tired, i felt sore, I felt jealous and sad. I havent really enjoyed parts of today at all, its not been hard, but its not been great either.

One of the hardest parts was a conversation with K driving to a shop after school. it went a bit like this

K: Mama, I want another baby.
M: me too K
K: you could have it in the summer mama, then it would need less clothes cos its warm.
M: we have to wait a bit K, mama cant have a baby right now.
K: why were you pregnant mama and now your not?
M: because the baby died K
K: why did it die Mama?
M: I dont know K
K: is that why there was blood in your tummy?
M: yes k.

then she change topic to something else..... this was actually a really hard conversation to have with her, and its the first time since it all happened that she has asked me about it, shes normally asked Ben about it.

I am still grieving the loss, and constantly thinking new things or struggling with new issues, like I had lunch with Ben, and his workmates expressed sympathy etc and had questions etc, caring and all, but really hard to face in some ways.

I am still finding that side of it hard, explaining what happened etc.

My mum is a bit more pragmatic about it, she said God decided it wasnt the right time for us and our family to have more children. She said she felt like that when she had a miscarriage too..... but i struggle to be pragmatic like that, i have questions, i want answers... at some stage i will move on but just not right now

Older people seem to talk less about it and have different ideas about it. maybe that is why it is still a somewhat taboo subject that isnt talked about yet it happens in around 1/4 of all pregnancies, this is a huge number it pretty much means most women will at some stage experience a pregnancy loss. Or for some they will experience multiple losses. I have now had a loss meaning that I have a 1 loss out of 4 pregnancies ratio.

I need to talk about it, i need to know more, and i need to blog for processing my thoughts and my grief. its less than 2 weeks since it happened and i am doing ok, but today is just a bit harder than yesteday, but tomorrow will be different

loss or termination?

ok, this is getting ethically tricky for me, as i sat in the bath at 11pm trying to get my body to feel sleepy the thought came to me that maybe the embryo had been alvie still.... this may sound strange but in my bloodloss induced state at the time i have just assumed when they said it wasnt a viable pregnancy that that meant the embryo was dead. thats how my mind processed what was happening at the time.

last night i suddenly realised while sitting in the bath that actually the embryo may have been 100% ok, and it was where it was implanted that made it not viable, and that it was either it was removed or I would have been looking at making my children motherless.

So I guess in someways it was a termination of a pregnancy in exchange for my life. that is one hell of a scary way of looking at what happened, and its one that i arent sure I can deal with. I know that it wasnt an option to stay pregnant, the embryo was implanted in the wrong place and I had internal bleeding and lots of pain because of it. Its rather scary how we can rationalise all these things but its doesnt make it any easier for me.

I need to accept my loss, work through the grief and be able to move on with my beautiful family who mean so much to me. I am hoping that by seeing the ob/gyn next week some of this will become clearer for me.

its hard when you have to wait till 3 weeks later to see someone about what happened and what was done etc, it leaves a long period of time for thinking and coming up with questions that are not easy to deal with.

sick again

Last night i started feeling sick, sore throat etc, today I have carried O around a bit more just to get used to it etc and my belly button started hurting too... so off to the drs I went this evening thinking that i was probably just being a hypochondriac..... but nope, i truelly and sick this time

the list goes something like this:
1. belly button laparoscopy incision infected
2. left ear infection
3. sinus infection
4. throat infection

so i arent a hypochondriac quite yet :) but I am sick for the 4 or 5th time this year which is not making me a happy camper at all.

its also not nice when you feel sad etc to feel sick too... i am struggling to cope with all of this on top of the ectopic pregnancy loss and the resultant ebb and flow of emotions that I am dealing with. I am also nauseaous as a result of the loss and have other pregnancy related problems but no pregnancy.... and no baby in 7 months and to tell the truth it bloody suxes.

I am so over it at the moment, its like i just want to put it in the too hard basket and just feel like Demelza for even half a day would be nice.... i am beginning to think i may have lost her at the moment, not much holds my attention either, I know enough though to realise that this pain will pass, the sickness will go and i can start enjoying life again. this is not depression this is part of the grief process that i will go through from having lost a pregnancy.

I know others who have also lost pregnancies/babies and my heart goes out to them because at some stage they too will have thought why me... why us... we didnt ask for this, especially when they get people telling them thoughtless things like "it wasnt meant to be". i havent had this yet, we know it wasnt meant to be, the embryo was in the wrong place and put my life at risk, but that doesnt stop me thinking that it was my baby and i wanted it.

so to all my fellow miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy survivors you are all amazing women who my heart goes out to that you have had to endure the pain that this loss causes.

D

crap day yesterday, getting back to normal today

yesterday was emotionally the toughest yet, it was a week since it all happened, and i was on the edge of crying most of the day, to add to it i felt really tired.

I was able to talk to a school mum about it after school (shes a nurse) and that was really good, esp as she understood the medical side of it all, and was able to just listen too. Shes got twins the same age as K and a wee boy the same age as L.

Another couple of friends helped on facebook too, either via emails or chatting or posts on walls. it is getting easier to talk about the loss now, and it will continue to get easier especially if we are both honest about what we are feeling and how it is affecting us.

Today was easier, we went and looked at a house(not suitable) and i took L and picked up K after school. this was good, it was my first drive so i was a bit cautious but I coped which was really good. I have just been out and bought some gingerbeer so second drive down and its feeling more normal again.

I had to get some ginger beer cos i am still feeling nasuseaous at times, I stil have Beta HCG in my body so some of its effects are still effecting me, mainly nausea and the tiredness. Tiredness is also from the loss of blood, the anaesthetic, and the pain killers i have been on. today i have only taken panadol which has been great too.

so each day its getting easier, and each day is a new day.

emotionally worn out

I had to get bloods done today to check out whether my beta hcg was dropping, I had to go to the hospital to get this done. I was fine with that, but I had to wait nearly 2 hrs in the womens health unit to get the results.....

I was fine sitting there with pregnant women, it made me a little sad but I was ok with it. not jealous or anything. My problem was when a new mum came in with a tiny baby, I nearly burst into tears over the sight of this tiny baby. It made me realise that I had lost the opportunity to be holding my own baby later this year. It made me realise that I had lost a baby.

Its been quite hard it think this and to move on today. I cant change what happened but I am at least hoping that this loss will make me strong and that I can cope with anything that life throws at me.